What If

Thomas Sr. was afraid to express his love and caring towards his family because he was afraid to become attached to anything knowing that one instant can take everything away. For example he says “… I’m so afraid of losing something I love that I refuse to love anything,” shows that he is still traumatized from the bombing that took place in Dresden. (Foer216) He chose to block himself from loving Oskar’s grandma in fear that they too could be killed. He chooses not to love them so that if they died, he would spare himself the pain. Throughout the time the bombing was taking place he became over whelmed because the only things he thought to himself were “Keep Thinking” he was overwhelmed what the need to survive that if the froze up, he realized that he could die. (Foer 214) In the present, he is probably still traumatized and does not want to go though all that again. Later on he says “maybe if I said ‘I lost the baby’ if id said’ I’m so afraid of losing something I love that I refuse to love anything’,” shows that he has regretted distancing himself from his son and wife showing that he expects the worst to happen. (Foer 216) He later admits  “… maybe that would have made the impossible possible,” showing that if he had told Oskar’s grandmother how he felt, he could have changed his outlook on life and possibly they would have worked something out or help to heal each other. (Foer 216)Instead he says “… but I couldn’t do it, I buried too much too deeply inside me,” proving that he couldn’t talk about his past or his worries. (Foer 216) Because he was so traumatized from his experience, perhaps he could not find the words to say to Oskar’s grandmother or perhaps he did not want to remember what it was like to loose Anna. If he had told his story that would require him to remember everything in which case he was afraid that he would look week. If he had told his loved ones how he felt, would it help him to heal his sorrows and move on? When someone is traumatized, loosing everything in an instance, it changes him or her. Thomas Sr. told Oskar’s grandmother that one of the rules was not to have children. Is this because Anna had been pregnant with his child when she died that he was afraid that if Oskar’s grandmother got pregnant that she would also loose the child and did not want to suffer though that again. When Thomas Jr. died, Thomas Sr. left a note that said, “I’m sorry.” Was that to show that he was sorry for the feelings of Oskar’s grandmother or was that a sorry to himself for leaving them? Does Thomas Sr. regret not getting to know his son even though he knows in the present that he has died? Does he still hang over all of the ‘what ifs’?